The politics of inter-racial relationships in Asian America

Last week a reader left a comment on the post about Euna Lee and Laura Ling that expressed surprise at seeing the white male husbands of Lee and Ling and noted that seeing such pairings can lead to "ANGRY ASIAN MEN."

So I wanted to talk, today, about specific inter-racial pairings, namely those of white men with Asian American women.

[Caveat: I am, for today's post, limiting my discussion to the politics of inter-racial relationships among heterosexual couples. There are dynamics and politics involved in queer inter-racial relationships, esp. among gay men with phrases like "rice queen" getting invoked to describe certain preferences/fetishization (word choice depends on where you fall in the debate) of Asian men by white men, but since the commenter was discussing ANGRY ASIAN MEN in the context of Ling and Lee's inter-racial marriages, I wanted to contain my comments to this particular inter-racial gendered/raced pairing, although I'd be interested in any readers chiming in with their own queer inter-racial comparisons]

Interestingly enough, there is a Marie Claire article titled "The New Trophy Wives: Asian Women" [tip of the hat to Angry Asian Man]. It is not very well written or well conceived--the author seems to want to have it both ways, to critique American society and culture for the overtly sexualized and exoticized stereotypes of Asian American women as well as to perpetuate said stereotyping within the article itself (the writer, Ying Chu, refers to Asian women, variously as Asian babes, mail-order brides, and doll-faced Asian sylphs, to which I say WTF???!!!). But it does give you an idea of part of the problem and problematics embedded in the vision of white men with Asian American women.

Which is where I should first begin. I don't want to speak on behalf of all Asian American men (how could I?!) but my guess is that those who, like the commenter, are upset at Asian American women dating inter-racially are really upset with Asian American women dating white men. Maybe they also don't want to see Asian American women with American Indian, Latino, or African American men, and I know that there are a few ethnic nationalists who would prefer that Vietnamese Americans date other Vietnamese and Korean Americans date other Korean Americans, but my guess is that intra-Asian American dating is not really an issue with folks--it's inter-racial dating, especially with white men.

So what's wrong with Asian American women dating white men? Well, I've sort've tackled bits and pieces of this before in older posts: "Mixed Race America: how does it begin?" and "Monday's Mixed Race Musings" and "Dating Across the Color Line." But in a nutshell, let me elaborate the main bones of contention:

*Asian American women date white men for increased status--essentially, they are race traitors selling out their ethnicity in order to be wannabe whites or in truly denigrating language, "bananas/twinkies" (white on the inside, yellow on the outside).

*Asian American women date white men because they believe that Asian American men are too "traditional"--that Asian American men are too misogynist and subjugate Asian American women and oppress them with the old-world values of their traditional Asian culture that dictates that Asian women must be beholden to Asian men.

*White men date Asian American women for many of the reasons cited in the Marie Claire article, which boils down to sexual fantasies/fetishization. They want a young, sexy China-doll who will be a docile partner in public and an sexual vamp in private, and these stereotypes of the Asian American female oversexualized dragonlady vixen is inculcated in these men from the many media stereotypes of Asian & Asian American women in popular culture (esp. film and television portraits).

[There are MANY books that talk about the stereotype of the oversexualized Asian American woman in popular culture, an excellent one being Gina Marchetti's Romance and the Yellow Peril, and a really excellent documentary Slaying the Dragon by Deborah Gee (too expensive to rent or buy but if you are near a university they may have a copy in their library).]

*Asian American men are especially p.o. at this inter-racial pairing because they do not have the same inter-racial dating options--Asian American men are not sought after as desirable romantic or sexual partners by white women and have been desexualized in popular culture, leading to lower rates of inter-racial relationships of Asian American men with white women and with white women (and even Asian American women) telling these men that they simply aren't attracted to Asian American men. In other words, they are driven by jealousy/envy into a posture of anger because of the ways in which they have been denied the same access to inter-racial relationships as Asian American women, and they are additionally scornful of Asian women with white men because of the troubling politics of Asian American women being commodities for white male consumption/display.

Now, let me be clear. What I describe above is not necessarily what I believe. But I have certainly heard, anecdotally, all of these arguments from other folk: I have heard both white and Asian American women (and actually Latino and African American women) claim that they just simply aren't attracted to Asian American men. I have been told, by white men, that they prefer dating Asian American women because of their values, because they feel they are more "feminine" than white women, more interesting looking, more exotic (yep, that word was used to my face), and that sexually speaking they were better in bed than other women (Asian American women are apparently endowed with special sexual powers from birth). I have heard Asian American women say that they are just more comfortable with white men and that they find Asian American men to be too dominating/domineering and traditional and white men treat them better. And I have read countless articles and books and watched numerous films talking about the dynamic of Asian American inter-racial relationships--the power differences and differentials based on race and gender, exacerbated by racism and sexism, in which Asian American women, due to a history of wars in Asian countries, have been used as trophies of war for white Westerners in an effort to subjugate Asian men and hence Asian nations within the paradigm of American imperialism and hegemony.

So does anyone ever get together because they like one another? Are politics always a dynamic within inter-racial relationships? Can't people just fall in love with each other?

My simple answer: yes, yes, and yes. Yes, people often fall in love and find common interests and attractions that are not about race or ethnicity or trophy status. But are politics a part of this dynamic? In my opinion yes. It may not be overt. It may not be conscious. But I just don't believe that anyone is immune to forces of social and cultural markers and values. I don't believe that anyone is immune from the influence of popular culture and popular discourse. And we have been bombarded with the image and the message that Asian American women are very acceptable and desirable sexual partners for men--any men, but perhaps especially for white men since Asian American women, when they are not shown paired with Asian American men, are most notably shown as partners for white men (although there was Sandra Oh's character dating the black surgeon on Gray's Anatomy before the actor made homophobic remarks and got kicked off the show).

I don't exempt myself from being influenced by these messages and images. I have dated mostly white men during my lifetime. Even in my current relationship, which I'd like to think was based on a mutual love and appreciation of food, narrative, and politics, first and foremost--I am aware of the ways in which who I am told is an attractive partner in this society is a white man--who I should see as sexy and strong and handsome are white men. I know that when I walk with my white partner in public I am perpetuating a stereotype that I am vigilant in critiquing. But the problem, at least for me, is what do you do when despite what you know, despite the politics that you are all too aware of, you end up finding yourself deeply connected to someone.

I would like to say that it's where I live--that my choices are limited in terms of dating Asian American men in the South--or at least greatly circumscribed from what they were in California or a more metropolitan area like Boston. I'd like to say that I had intended, when I moved here, to date across a spectrum of races (I had been in a long-term relationship for over 12 years prior to coming to the South) and to actually make the personal political by dating a person or color or by especially eschewing a white man. And I suppose I could tell you that I initially dismissed Southern Man as a romantic possibility because of his race and where he grew up--because I was uncomfortable with the idea of being an Asian American studies professor and feminist dating a white Southern man with a discernible Southern accent. In many ways what I've revealed about my own romantic and relationship practices is far too personal than what I am normally comfortable with disclosing in this space. But I believe that I can't honestly write about this subject without recognizing that as much as I interrogate the politics of Asian American inter-racial relationships that I must be both critic and subject in this regard and cannot exempt myself from being influenced by these factors, even as I am constantly questioning them in my life and questioning my partner for his own beliefs about race and dating and inter-racial relationships.

[The Asian woman fetish question is usually one of the first deal-breaker questions I ask when I've dated white men. Some would say that no white guy in his right mind is going to admit to having an Asian woman fetish if you ask him directly, but you'd be surprised at what some white men will tell you thinking it's a compliment to say that they find Asian women to be particularly sexy--and for all you Asian American women out there who are still dating and esp. dating inter-racially, if you believe this is a simple compliment, THINK AGAIN--it usually comes with a host of other problematic belief systems--better to get out early than to find your white boyfriend handing you a kimono and wanting you to do some kinky version of Madam Butterfly--I do not speak from experience but I have heard tales from others that would curl your toes]

So where do we go from here? Am I a sell out? Should I break up with Southern Man because we are a walking stereotype, and some will accuse him of having a trophy girlfriend? Am I worried that I won't be taken seriously as an Asian American scholar with a white partner (actually many Asian American scholars date inter-racially across gender and racial lines, fyi). Is it possible that I love my partner and find him interesting and that we both recognize the ideologies at work in dating inter-racially but are willing to negotiate them honestly and openly because talking directly about race and these dynamics is perhaps the most healing thing we can do for our relationship?

Let me just end by saying that I don't think you can legislate love. You can recognize the politics and ideologies and values of these relationships. You can accuse Soon-yi Previn of having a daddy-complex, which is why she slept with her stepfather, Woody Allen. You can say that some white men infantalize Asian women as sexual toys. But you also have to acknowledge that Asian American women and white men date and marry for a variety of reasons, personal as well as political. Perhaps the most we can hope for is to figure out why it bothers some of us so much and to also ask ourselves what is influencing our desire to date inter-racially. But at the end of the day, you end up loving who you end up loving. Which is one of the reasons I wish we could just get on board with same-sex marriage. Because like I said, I just don't believe you can ever legislate or tell people who they can and can't love.