The educator hat

I, as regular readers of this blog know, am a golfer. And I found myself recently playing with 2 good friends and a 4th person who joined our group on the back 9 (he was a solo player and asked if he could join us rather than playing through).

This fourth add-on, "D," was in his late 60s, white, very physically fit (he qualified for the Boston Marathon recently) and was a nice enough guy--decent golfer. And according to golf etiquette, you make chit-chat as you play, so he talked with my friends "S" and "T" about what he does, about restaurants, his children and grand-children, and then he, in turn, asked us about our line of work (we're all professors) and when he got to me, I told him I was working on a book, and that led to him asking what about, and I said, "racial ambiguity" and then I braced myself.

Because the truth is, I didn't want to talk to him about my book. At least not on the golf course and not at that moment. Because I knew that I might have to make a choice--it's one that many of you may have had to face in certain situations--the moment when a stranger you are chatting with on an airplane, at a grocery store, in the subway makes a comment that you find offensive/invasive/inappropriate/distasteful/crass/ignorant/racist/sexist/bigoted/homophobic/out-of-line and you have to decide: is this a teachable moment and do I want to be that teacher.

I managed to steer the conversation to safe waters with "D" by talking about my last chapter, which is on Tiger Woods, and then focusing on Tiger's recent injury and his amazing win at Torrey Pines.

Why did I avoid talking to "D" about issues of race? Wouldn't this potentially be a prime moment for me to educate him? To talk about issues of diversity? To address any misperceptions (if he had any) about mixed-race Asian Americans or about race in general?

The truth is, I didn't have my educator's hat on, and I didn't want to put my educator's hat on. And it's something I struggle with when I find myself in public and debating: should I say something or should I let things go? And it's something I struggle with because my radar is tuned very high with respect to issues of race/gender/sexuality (I'd add class, but the truth is, that's a weak spot with me--I'm too comfortable in my middle-class privilege sometimes). Sometimes I just want to play golf with my friends. Because golf etiquette dictates that when someone asks if he can play with you (when he's a solo guy--and I'm using that gendered pronoun deliberately because I've never had a solo woman ask to play--I've probably seen a total of 3 women playing solo in my four-plus years of playing regular golf) that you say yes, there wasn't much I could do. And really, it's a good rule in golf. It teaches you to meet other people and to be civil, and that's the other golf etiquette rule--to try to be civil--you've got 9 holes to play together--thats about 2 hours on the course together. I didn't want to get weird and angry and righteous. I don't even know if "D" would have said anything to make me feel that way, I just know from previous experiences with people that talking about race and racial ambiguity with me often gives total strangers license to say things that I find offensive or at least mildly irritating and then I have to debate about putting my educator's hat on. And sometimes I don't want to educate. I just want to play golf.

Or make 5 photocopies. I was recently reminded of this because a post I wrote a year ago, "Do I need to travel to China," has recently been crossposted on Anti-Racist Parent, and there's a very interesting and lively discussion going on there based on the interaction I had with one older white male gentleman who thought I was "Hawaiian."

I am a teacher--it is in my blood--it is a calling. But it's exhausting to feel like you are always "on"--to have to make that choice right in the moment of whether you are going to put on your educator's hat.

(sigh)

I am feeling like this is a whiney way to end this post. I'm not trying to complain--certainly not about the fact that I avoided talking about race openly with a stranger on a golf course. That just sounds stupid. What I am saying is that I wish people would sometimes stop and think about what they are asking and to whom. Because I don't want to tell you where I'm from or have you tell me (as one woman did recently) that a black coach calling a kid "whitey" is the same as a white coach calling a kid "n****" and I don't want to explain to you that I'm not from Hawaii, even if you think I *look* Hawaiian. I just want to go about my life and play golf and buy groceries and make my photocopies like everyone else.

But if you really want to know what I think about race and racism and ways to have conversations about race, then by all means, find your way to this blog or enroll in one of my classes at Southern U. Then you will have my undivided attention and my educator's hat will be firmly in place. But on the golf course? I just want to worry about whether I should be using my nine iron or my pitching wedge to make it to the green.