Monday's Mixed-race Musings

I realized that when I wrote about the beginning of a mixed-race America, namely that you get here through inter-racial relationships, I didn't really talk about the politics of interracial dating/marriage/procreation.

So I thought I'd return to this topic since this blog is called "Mixed Race America" and because I suspect that a few readers are interested in these topics.

What I wrote about on July 1 was the hostility that certain gendered/raced pairs encounter by members of a majority culture and members of their own ethnic communities. There's a lot to be said about the politics of interracial dating.

First thing I'll say is that it's complicated. To try to have an in-depth and honest conversation about interracial dating requires an ability to get beyond cliches of "Love sees no color" as well as charges of selling out the race or desiring white privilege through interracial relationships (that's for those people who are a member of a racial minority dating a member of the current racial majority).

Second, I think it's rare for people to make decisions of an intimate nature on pure politics. In other words, I know that people have preferences and are motivated by political factors. But the truth is, finding someone you truly connect with is difficult. We place A LOT of demands on our life partner. And I don't just mean people who have lists--like only dating people of a certain height, income, educational level, size, car, who like dogs, who are vegetarian, etc...etc.... We expect our life partners to be our soul mates, our best friends, our financial partners, our cheerleaders, our coaches, a parent to our children, a representative and literal union of our families, and a general public face to our personal commitment. That is asking A LOT. And we haven't even gotten to any lists or deal breakers or preferences. Which is why I think it's good to be as open minded as possible about your life partner.

For instance, I had a friend in college, a white Jewish man of the Jewish conservative persuasion who was very identified with Jewish culture and who only dated Jewish women (preferably women who were also conservative, although he was open to dating reform minded women as long as they were willing to keep kosher.)

"S" and I used to talk about interracial or in his case cross-religious dating--and while he wasn't against it for others, he didn't see it in his future--the cross-religious dating/marriage. His faith and his culture were very important parts of his life, and he wanted to have a life partner that reflected his religious and cultural beliefs.

Fast forward seven years. I ran into "S" randomly in an ice cream parlor in Boston during a time when I was no longer living there and when he was visiting friends. It turns out that "S" had gotten married and was living in Chicago. His wife? She is an African American woman and a Christian. They have an interracial, interfaith marriage and will raise the children with both faiths/cultures. Although I know that this is problematic for some, I have to admit that I was happy that "S" had found a woman he loved and that he was willing to revise some of his convictions based on that love.

Are we influenced by the dominant culture? Absolutely. Do we internalize racist beliefs? Yes. Should we work against these ingrained tendencies of wanting white privilege? Well, if you want to live and practice an anti-racist lifestyle, then sure. Can you help who you fall in love with? No and yes. You probably can't help who you are attracted to and who you fall in love with, but for some, the social pressure and stigma may be too great--or your personal politics and convictions may not allow you to take envision certain life partners.

There are interracial pairs that are more accepted than others in U.S. society. In general, white men dating women of color of almost any background (but certainly I'd rank Asian women at the top of that acceptable list) are going to find less censure than white women dating men of any race (and I'd put possibly black or Asian men at the top of the taboo list). And people of color dating one another across racial lines does not seem to engender as much scrutiny by larger society, but may find quite a bit of disapproval from within their ethnic communities. A lot of this has to do with media images, power, privilege, a history of women being used as pawns in a game of ownership and control of resources, overseas wars, and some other things too long to get into in this single post. And I haven't even gotten to queer unions and same-sex couples who cross various color and religious lines.

What I want to leave you with is a single and unremarkable observation: consenting adults should be free to love and partner with whomever they choose. We can question the motivations and the history and the ingrained assumptions and beliefs behind interracial unions in general. But telling people that they are sell-outs or bananas or Uncle Toms or coconuts (why is fruit always used for these racially denigrating descriptions?) just doesn't seem productive and doesn't get to the real issues about how people meet and decide to couple.

Finally, let me leave you with the voices of two people who speak from first-hand experience and first-person perspectives about interracial unions and mixed-race matters.

CVT, a regular commenter on this blog, decided that he wanted a forum for his own musings on race and other things, so he started Chop-tensils. And in an odd coincidence, we both ended up blogging about interracial relationships on July 1. Please head over to Chop-tensils--it's worth a read for CVT's insights and observations, and I know he'd love a lively discussion, especially on the interracial dating stuff he just posted.

For a fictional look at living in a mixed-race world, let me introduce you to Jason Sublette, a mixed-race fiction writer living in "the South." Jason has an excellent short story published in an on-line journal, Green Hills Literary Lantern called "Laws of Motion." Check it out--I suspect that Jason's voice will be one we will continue to hear about (and in larger forums) in years to come.