Talking about race with your friends

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of inter-racial friendships and cross-racial conversations among acquaintances, colleagues in the work place, close friends, in-laws, friends of friends, and random strangers.

My musings have been prompted by the really excellent conversation that Tami and I had during her podcast, The Best of What Tami Said this past Sunday (for anyone who missed it, you can hear it archived -- click here to get to Tami's page and if you haven't checked out her blog What Tami Said, make it one of your morning blog reads because it's definitely food for thought with your oatmeal and OJ.

One of the things we discussed was the challenges we have each faced in our friendships specifically with non-people of color. How do we deal with an awkward remark or something we perceive to be racially insensitive or even racist? Do we have a responsibility as the "person of color" to educate our friend about why his/her comment was insensitive or caused us anger or more likely pain?

My own answer to the question of responsibility was that the idea that we have a responsibility to teach our friends was a burden too heavy to bear in a friendship. I think the only responsibility we should have in any friendship is to love and care for our friend to the best of our ability. But to teach and educate our friend? I think that we often end up doing these things during the course of any friendship--and I don't mean about race or among cross-racial friendships. I mean you are doing something stupid and your best friend tells you that you are doing something stupid. That's part of what your real friends do--they know you and love you and can tell you when you are behaving in an unattractive manner and help get you back on course.

But is it their responsibility? And is it my responsibility as a person of color, particularly one who is an educator, especially an educator who teaches and researches on subjects of race and anti-racism--must I always be the "teacher" to my friends when I think they have said something racially insensitive or stereotypical?

Tami made an excellent point during our conversation that when we find ourselves in the role or mode of "teaching" it becomes exhausting--it becomes a chore or work. And no one wants to feel like their friendship is work. And yet, although I said no, we don't have a responsibility and although I think Tami also agreed, we both acknowledged that we find ourselves struggling with this issue and over things you let go and give your friend the benefit of the doubt over and things you talk about and say to your friend, "that hit me the wrong way, can I tell you why I found that to be hard for me to hear you say that."

[Aside: In the above scenario, I don't use the words "racism" or "racist" or even "racially insensitive" -- I think that whether or not you use these words when talking about a friend who has made an off-color remark or observation depends entirely on the context of the conversation and who you are speaking to. But even among our closest friends, I think that the "R" word, as I've come to think of it, puts people immediately on the defensive, and I think you can always address the issue and let your friend know that it wasn't cool and it was hurtful, from a racial pov, without invoking the dreaded "R" word. Although I also want to be clear and say that it doesn't mean that it wasn't racially inflected or racist or that we aren't all mired in a system of racism that we're influenced by in subtle and not so subtle ways--and I mean both white people and people of color alike.]

Although much of our discussion focused on the challenges of cross-racial friendships between people of color and non-people of color, we also touched on the challenges of inter-racial friendships among people of color--and I spoke very specifically about my own self-consciousness about this issue in my friendships with African Americans, because I am very aware living in "the South" and working on issues of race about the ways in which Asian Americans have been used as a wedge group in issues like education and employment to discredit the racism experienced by African Americans. So I know sometimes there is a bit of distrust that I initially encounter in talking about racial issues with African American colleagues and acquaintances.

And beyond all of these various permutations of cross-racial friendships, the truth is, there is just a lot of difficulty talking openly and honestly about race among any of your friends, whether they are of the same race or ethnicity or of a minority or majority culture.

So here's a question for you, dear reader: how do you approach talking about race with your friends, cross-racially or not. If a friend said something you thought was racially insensitive or hit you the wrong way, do you say something? And does it make a difference if the person saying it is a person or color or white? And does it make a difference if the person saying the comment is making a stereotype about your own ethnic/racial group or someone else's?

People! Can we talk about race without everyone freaking out?

OK, so the title of this post is fairly provocative, but it has to do with some of the chatter I've been reading on various blogs related to the Miley Cyrus-slant-eye-photo issue.

For those of you out of the loop, about a week ago a photo appeared of Miley Cyrus and her friends making slant-eyed gestures (click here for my original post on this issue).

Racialicious has an interesting comment thread on all of this (click here).

OCA (Organization of Chinese Americans) has a blog & comment thread that is, unfortunately, indicative of the challenges of talking about race in America. In particular, the level of vitriol and anger and bitterness on various threads (click here) and (here) seems particularly troubling. Because it seems as if having anyone talk about racism (or about gestures that are racist or that are racially insensitive) is enough to send other folks telling THEM that they are being OVERSENSITIVE and that they should GET OVER IT.

[Aside: What, exactly, am I supposed to get over? Racism? Happy to oblige! Once racism ends I'll gladly give up this blog and my research on race and call it a day--I'll start writing that article on Jane Austen and gender I started back in grad school (are you going to tell me I have to get over gender?). But in the event that racism--the stickiness and subtle notions of racial privilege and discrimination--don't end overnight, I think my day job is secure, so forgive me if I can't get over "it."]

So what should we do about all this chatter?

Well, my assumption is that if you found your way to a site called "Mixed Race America," you have an interest in issues of race and are open to talking about issues of race and racism.

And if you want to talk about it LIVE and in REAL TIME, I've got an opportunity for you!

I've been invited by a blogger I like and respect A LOT (and feel is a kindred spirit), Tami of What Tami Said (and I should mention she also moderates Anti-Racist Parent) to share some thoughts about inter-racial friendships--the challenges of having friends of various races--of mixed-race friendships you could say. Please tune in to the podcast The Best of What Tami Said this Sunday (February 15) at 4:00pm -- and you can call in and participate in the discussion by calling (646) 716-4672 (click here for Tami's post about the podcast and click here for her post about her friend "Mona"--which is part of the prompt for discussing the challenges of inter-racial friendships).

Tami is an amazing writer, and I've been fortune to develop my own "inter-racial" friendship with her in the blogosphere. We hope you'll tune in and call in with your thoughts on inter-racial friendships this Sunday at 4:00pm!