Today's Headlines

"$700 billion dollars found under retired couple's bed"
--Says Mrs. Wanda Smith, "We TOTALLY forgot we had been saving up for a cruise to the Caribbean and just kept adding to our 'fun fund.' Now that we've been to the Caribbean, we figured we'd donate the extra to the U.S. government to pay down the debt and stimulate the economy."

"Pakistan & India, the Unionist and Nationalist factions in Northern Ireland, North and South Korea, Palestine & Israel, and Turkish and Greek forces on Cyprus all agree that they're all tired of the violence and bickering and pettiness and are ready to unite under the umbrella of peace"
--"It's about time," says deceased peace activist Mohandas Gandhi. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mother Teresa shared in his sentiment.

"Size 0 is out, Size 10 is in"
--Modeling agencies, magazine editors, and fashion designers all agree that the "skinny" look that has predominated for so long is now passe. Fashion Designer H. Coture had this to say about the news: "I'm tired of all these bone thin models. Women PLEASE! Go eat a donut!"

"Decline in video game sales linked to increase in library patronage and participation in school spots."
--"I just realized that rather than playing tennis with my wii, I'd actually like to do the real thing," says seventh grader Bill Jones. "Yeah," echoes his friend James Turner, "I realized that there were these places called libraries, and they have all these books you can check out FOR FREE!"

"Inter-racial marriages spike to a record high"
--Census bureau spokesperson Juanita Chang-Pulaski describes the spike as "incredible!" "We knew that attitudes in the country were changing towards mixed-race marriages," says Chang-Pulaski, "but we had no idea that they now accounted for 50% of all unions."

"Conservative pundits and Christian leaders admit that gay marriage will stabilize society rather than disrupt it."
--"We were wrong," says Rev. E. Vangelical, "our bad!"