tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1658138279766595241.post382265144742225260..comments2024-01-04T04:31:00.481-05:00Comments on Mixed Race America: Independence Day -- Free your mindJenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13261371053113519712noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1658138279766595241.post-83633442285112793722009-07-05T10:22:56.742-04:002009-07-05T10:22:56.742-04:00Shannon,
The first thing I'll say is that I ap...Shannon,<br />The first thing I'll say is that I appreciate you seeking out resources for your family, esp. for your daughter. I had actually just chastised someone else for posting an un-related comment to one of my posts, but I think in your case, you seem to be in real need of guidance/help, which is why I'm assuming you did a google search and found your way to this blog.<br /><br />The second thing I will say is that I'm really not equipped to give the kind of advice that you are seeking. I'm not a parent. And I'm not a child psychologist. One resource I'd like to direct you to is the blog "Anti-Racist Parent"--on Thursdays there is an open thread and I think you could re-post your question/concerns in that space and hopefully someone will get back to you. That blog also has links to other parenting blogs that you might find helpful.<br /><br />Third, I do have some questions to ask you that may help you to get at the heart of what troubles your daughter/you. My first question is about her new group of friends. What, exactly, troubles you about them--that her friends are all "Asian" or that they are "bad kids" and, most importantly, are you equating "bad kids" with "Asian"? <br /><br />In other words, it would be helpful to know whether you are bothered by the fact that she has a group of friends who do not resemble you/your family and who do resemble your ex-husband/her father -- that even if they were straight "A" model minority students who made comments about "white" people, would that still bother you? OR, is the larger issue your anxiety about her getting involved with kids who are engaged in high risk behavior? I know it may not be as simple as seeing these as separate, but it IS important to distinguish between the two, because, in my opinion, the exploration and questioning of your daughter's ethnic identity seems normal. <br /><br />I began point #2 with saying that I'm not a child psychologist or parenting expert. I do know about race--and have read a lot of things about mixed-race people, including children and most of all, about adults reflecting on their childhood experiences. And I think it's great that you want to be a white ally for your family.<br /><br />Let me end with saying that I don't think that fetishizing "Asian" culture or "Cambodian" culture is going to help her (saying her behavior isn't "Asian" doens't seem the right tack to take). Choosing one heritage, especially at her age, is a coping strategy for a variety of reasons--esp. in a world that sends images of white being better. You cannot discount this. <br /><br />If you really want to help your daughter, learn about white privilege and mixed race issues--read Peggy McIntosh's "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack of White Privilege" (you can find a copy in one of my older blog posts). Read articles about mixed-race identity development--the work of Maria Root is particularly important. You may also want to try Naomi Zack, Wei-ming Dariotis, and Paul Spickard. <br /><br />It also seems to me that the more you push and tell her you don't like her friends, the more she is going to cling to them. Sure, they don't sound like the best group of kids. But have you tried to get to know them? Are they really bad? All of them? Have you had them over to your home? Have you tried to find out what their stories are? What their backgrounds are? Why your daughter is so enamomred with them--are they the popular kids, the burner kids, the straight A kids who are also "bad"?Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13261371053113519712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1658138279766595241.post-41716882167036151822009-07-04T21:07:11.290-04:002009-07-04T21:07:11.290-04:00I don't have a comment on independence day but...I don't have a comment on independence day but I was hoping you could help me with my daughter. The situation is very complicated but I will try and summarize the best I can. I am Irish American “the socioeconomic challenged other white meat” and my former husband was Cambodian. Together we had two beautiful children. Our eldest daughter looks very Asian and as a result she has lived through her share of unjustness. For instance, twice she was placed in ESOL simply based on the color of her skin, while at the same time told she was not Asian enough to wear a ceremonial dress at her aunts wedding. To make matters even more interesting, several years after our divorce I remarried to a Polish-Irish American and had another two beautiful children. Our home is very open and loving but the past year has brought a divide to my daughter. She is fine and loving inside the home, but outside she has only Asian friends. These ’friends’ of hers also happen to be the bad kids. They smoke, drink, demean their body’s, sneak out whenever they want, and they, including my daughter, refer to our family as the white people. For example, the other day we were all playing tag at the park. In the middle of the game a few of her friends came by and they started talking. Her four year old sister run up to tag her and they all started to laugh at how white a little girl could be. It broke my heart to see both my eldest daughter talking that way and the confused look on my youngest daughters face. We abruptly went home and when I told my daughter that she needed new friends she called me racist. I have always supported both sides of her heritage. I (despite looks of disapproval) have taken her myself to the temple when her aunts couldn’t, I learned the language so that I could pass it on to them, and when the school had “culture day” and she requested to represent Cambodia I sewed her skirt myself and took a thousand proud parent pictures of her walking around in it. Here I go rambling, I apologize, the point is how can I help her understand that she dose not have to ‘choose’ only one heritage and that the things she is doing now are not characteristic of her Asian ancestry but rather a disease plaguing it.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04800834084341092174noreply@blogger.com